Beautiful (Messy) Surrender

After living the past five years driven by deadlines, class schedules and assignments, (which was all heightened during the whirlwind of the past 12 months of an intense Masters program), I found myself slapped with reality at the beginning of August. I had finally finished what had been the most intense 12 months of my life and had successfully completed a demanding Masters program. While it was such a relief to not have to spend late nights and early mornings scrambling to meet deadlines, produce and perform anymore, the feeling of “Now what?” loomed and intimidated. For someone who has to fight hard to separate their identity and worth from what they do, the reality of my unemployment and lack of concrete plans or vision challenged me to the core. 

I found myself face-to-face with some of the hardest life questions that I had always considered but which became all the more real as I began to look for a job and consider “real” adult life: What kind of job would I get? What if I can’t get a job? Should I stay in the community I’ve come to love so much? Should I move on to another adventure? What do I want my life to be about? What are the things that are most important to me? What am I passionate about? What kind of a legacy do I want to leave?

After about a month of rest and recuperating from the year, enjoying time to do things I hadn’t been able to do, I began to get desperate for work – any kind of it! I ended up taking a job as a supervisor at Goodness Me, a local health food store. Spending my days serving customers, stocking shelves and cleaning bathrooms has been humbling J During this season I’ve often thought, “I’m not where I want to be” in many ways – I’m working a job completely unrelated to what I went to school for, living in a family’s basement, still very single, etc. and yet I’m realizing that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I’m the most messy and broken that I maybe ever have been. God is dismantling and pruning a lot of things in my life. He’s changing mindsets and shaking everything that can be shaken so that only His Love remains. He’s been exposing lies I’ve believed about myself and about Him for so long. It’s messy and yet it’s beautiful. He’s been exposing how little I actually live by faith (all in the most gracious and loving way, of course!). I’ve had moments where I’ve leapt blindly by faith into the unknown but I’m in a stage of life where it feels like all my safety nets have been taken away; I’m caught in a permanent free fall with no parachute of my own. If I want to live, I have to live by faith. I’ve had to put all of my faith and trust in my God, the only true and constant One in my life. If faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see, then He’s teaching me how to live in kingdom reality, Land of the Unseen.

I’m realizing I’ve spent so much of my life in the “in-between” stages just wishing away my time, waiting to arrive at the places I’m anticipating. Always hoping, waiting and wondering what the future will hold. This season is teaching me so much about the in between.

It has a beauty of its own, but few have eyes to see and catch it.

We’re always so focused on “arriving,” forgetting that God is in the journey and the process just as much as He is in the final destination. 

I wrote down this phrase in my journal about a month ago, and God’s been showing me just how true it is: “There’s peace in the process, there’s beauty in the waiting.” 

I actually think He’s often more about the journey and the process than He is in us “getting somewhere.” It’s about our hearts and characters looking more like His, after all – an ongoing process that will take more than a lifetime to complete. He wants to walk with us through the mountains and valleys of life. He wants to dialogue with us through the process. He lets us try things out and make mistakes so He can gently correct and guide us. And He’s not afraid to get His hands dirty in the mess of our lives. I see Him crouching down and playing with me in the mud of my life, like I used to when I was a little girl. Often I think He’s more okay with my mess than I even am.

I’m so thankful for Jonathan David and Melissa Helser, with whose heart language I resonate with so much. They put poetic lyrics and melodies to what I’ve been feeling the past few months:

Beautiful Surrender, is where I wanna be

Locked into Your arms, for all eternity

Come and take my hand, You can lead me where You please

That Beautiful Surrender is chasing after me

(You can listen to the full song here)

Surrender is beautiful, but it’s often not very pretty.

I don’t really know where I’m going (both physically and metaphorically speaking). I don’t have a five-year plan or a one-year plan – heck, I’m not even sure what the next six months hold for me. But I do know this: I am running after Him with full abandon into this Beautiful Surrender. I’m fiercely pursuing all that He wants to show and teach me in this season. I’m finding joy and peace in the process. I’m holding up my ideas, plans and dreams and am giving them back to Him, letting Him unfold them. 

Beautiful (messy) Surrender. I wouldn't want it any other way. 

10 Things They Don’t Tell You About Reverse Culture Shock

We’ve all heard about culture shock, but what about reverse culture shock? Being a TCK (Third Culture Kid – look it up), I think I’ve dealt with this more than I realize. In fact, I think I’ve been dealing with this for years, but only recently have I had a name for it. One definition I found for reverse culture shock, or re-entry, is “a common reaction to returning home from [living] abroad. It is an emotional and psychological stage of re-adjustment, similar to your initial adjustment to living abroad."

I’ve gotten pretty used to culture shock, to the point where it doesn’t really “shock” me anymore, thanks to lots of traveling and experiences living overseas. But reverse culture shock – that’s another story! It seems to be more difficult for me than culture shock itself!

So this is for other TCKs or those who have had cross-cultural experiences and are preparing to re-enter their passport country. Here are some tips from my own experiences:

1. It’s going to be okay

It may feel like your world is crumbling around you – and to an extent, it is: the world as you have known it has literally changed overnight. You may find yourself getting emotional at the most unexpected times – it could be a photo, a certain scent, or something that you hear that may cause a flood of memories to come in. It can be very overwhelming. Feeling this emotional is normal. It’s normal to feel a little dazed and confused. You’ve gone through a lot in a short period of time! It’s going to be okay, though.

2. Take your time: processing does not happen overnight             

It may take days, weeks, months, even years to “unpack” everything that happened, the lessons you learned, and the experiences you had in your time away. Don’t be in a rush to try and figure everything out. Let time take its natural course and let things unravel at their own pace.

3. Give yourself space                                                                                                   

Going from one end of the world to the other in a matter of days is no small feat. You probably will have crossed many borders, time zones, and a few oceans. Let yourself rest. Let yourself have time and space to be alone. Give yourself a few days to leisurely unpack and feel out your new (yet familiar) environment.

4. Don’t worry; you aren’t going crazy                                                              

If you feel like locking yourself in your room and shutting yourself away from everyone for a little while, that’s pretty common. You may not even feel like leaving your house for a little while. “Normal,” everyday routines like going to the grocery store or walking through a mall may seem daunting at first. Don’t worry; you haven’t suddenly turned into an antisocial hermit overnight. This is a very normal part of the whole process. It may take a few days of rest before you feel ready to “take on the world,” and that’s okay.

5. Life goes on                                                                                                                       

It’s easy to assume that life as you knew it has come to a standstill. Reality is, though, life has gone on. Relationships with family and friends will have changed, to some degree. They will have had their own set of experiences and you will have had yours. It’s easy to feel disconnected. Some relationships may even feel awkward at first. It may take a little while to “warm up” to people again. Life has gone on and everyone has changed, if only a little bit. Invest in those important relationships and work on making new memories together.

6. Pick up a pen and write                                                                                      

Journal about what you’re going through. Reflect on the experiences you had. Write down some of the lessons you learned while you were away and keep chewing on them. Make sure you have some kind of outlet for the many emotions you may be experiencing.

7. Initiate dialogue                                                                                                              

You are likely going to get bombarded by lots of questions from friends, family, and acquaintances – you’re probably going to get tired of the question “How was your trip?” At the same time, people may get tired of you constantly making references to your time abroad and only wanting to talk about your cross-cultural experiences all the time. Initiate dialogue: ask friends how they have been and just listen. If they ask about your experiences, feel free to share; otherwise, they may just need you to listen.

8. Keep calm and seek adventure                                                                        

Your adventure doesn’t have to stop when you go back “home” to your passport country. For a while, you may be tempted to believe that nothing will ever compare to the experiences you had overseas. You may look back on your time away and only remember the good or exciting things that happened, forgetting the hard things. Yes, the kinds of adventures may look different than they did in country X, but be intentional about seeking adventure or taking risks back home. It could mean exploring a new trail or park nearby, learning another language, or going on a spontaneous road trip. Life is an adventure, no matter where you are in the world. It’s all about perspective.

9. Live in the present                                                                                                          

It’s healthy to allow yourself time to sift through memories you made while you were away. You may spend hours just looking through photos and videos and reliving those moments. In the early stages of transition, that’s normal. However, there comes a point where you’ve got to face reality. And, reality is, you’re not in country X anymore! Try to be present in every moment and conversation. There may be certain triggers that cause you to mentally travel back to that country or experience, but it’s important not to dwell there.

10. Connect with people who “get” you                                                       

During your experiences abroad, you are likely to have made lots of new friends. If you travelled with a friend or group of friends, you’re also in luck. Shoot one of them a message or get on Skype with that friend you made overseas – they’ll understand. Find a few close friends who may have done a lot of travelling or have had similar experiences and who know what you are going through. Talking things through with them will help. Reach out and make friends with someone from a different culture – though the countries may be different, chances are, they have either gone through or are going through the same types of changes you are experiencing. Knowing there are people who “get” you – that you aren’t alone – makes your transition a lot easier.

I hope this helps you, my fellow globetrotters! 

Keep traveling :)

-S

You Make Me Brave

Well, it's turned out to be quite an eventful month.
I've found myself in situations where I couldn't even explain how I got there. It's actually happened so much lately that I just have to laugh to myself when I find myself in yet another unexplainable situation under unexplainable circumstances.

What an adventure life is!

I've taken a number of risks in the past month and I'm about to take quite a few more in the next little while! By the time some of you will read this, I will be on my way to Accra, Ghana. What will I be doing there? That's a really good question. It's kind of a "wait and see" kind of thing. I know that I will be interning at a local human rights non-governmental organization (NGO) focused on promoting the rights of children and youth, youth empowerment, and furthering social justice for collective development. What I will actually be doing there, day to day, is to be determined - they said I could be working with lawyers, going to court, visiting other site locations, helping run various events and conferences...I guess we'll see!

The theme song of my life this past month has been a song called "You Make Me Brave." (You can listen to it here.) This song has been my anthem. Before going into rather "scary" situations I would listen to this song and let it remind me of the truth that I am brave, even when I may feel otherwise.
This chorus has been on repeat:

You make me brave 

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore 

Into the waves 

You make me brave 

You make me brave 

No fear can hinder now

The promises You've made

This whole summer has been a "calling me out beyond the shore into the waves" kind of thing. The shore, the place where the waves only lap gently around your feet, is comfortable, familiar and safe. If you don't want to get wet, you don't have to!
But waves, waves are unpredictable, undulating.
They're powerful. And dangerous. You're not always safe when the waves come and you're probably going to get very wet!

In the past month or so, I've jumped into the waves doing things I didn't even know I could do. Like getting to teach a couple workshops on human rights and social justice.  Like serving on an election campaign. Like closely interacting and holding my own with seasoned politicians and other influential individuals. The thing is, I never would have known I could do these things if I hadn't tried. If I hadn't thrown myself in the middle of it and if I hadn't left my own comfortable shore. You make me brave!

So I'm about to get very "wet" in the next two months. I'll let you know what that will look like! I'm bursting with excitement for all the new experiences that are waiting for me there.

Here's to not just dipping my feet in but diving in headfirst! 

Hi, my name is Sarah, and I want to change the world.

I recently had a very interesting, random conversation with someone I had never met before, but who quickly became my "best friend" by the end of the conversation, as he put it. I would beg to differ, ha! After introductions and the general "get to know you" type of questions, he asked me one of the first questions that every student asks each other:
"What program are you in?"
I gave my scripted answer, a mouthful - a double major of Human Rights & Human Diversity and Leadership - and he responded, "So you want to change the world, then?"
I didn't have to think hard about that one.
Without skipping a beat, I said, "Yes, actually, I do want to change the world!"
To this he replied, "Me too."

That got me thinking.

I DO want to change the world! Let's be honest here, I want to do something that will impact the lives of people globally; I want to leave a legacy; I want to leave my mark on the world; I want to be someone who stands out in a crowd of faces; I want to be a part of bringing transformation to many lives; I want to change the world.
Is this a selfish want? I don't think so. It really comes down to the motives, to the heart. I don't want to be famous for the sake of being famous. No, I want to make HIM famous. Jesus commissioned us to be agents of transformation when He taught us to pray, "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is heaven." It's in our DNA!

I think this desire is at the core of every human being on the planet: we long for significance.
We long to be recognized as individuals.
We long to be seen and to be known.
We long to be a part of something greater.
We were destined for greatness. 
There is greatness in me and there is greatness in you. 

When I was thinking about wanting to change the world, I had a chat with God and asked Him how on earth I was eventually going to get to a place where I could impact the world. The answer made sense but almost seemed too easy, but extremely difficult at the same time.
He said, "It's about obedience. It's about everyday decisions. It's about saying "Yes!" to me each and every single time, even when you think it doesn't make sense. It's about being faithful and obedient in the little things. It's about humility and serving."

Hmph. Not sure if that was the answer I was hoping for, God!

It makes so much sense, though. Leaders are not born overnight. People who have gone down in history did not all of a sudden jump out of the woodwork and hop into a place of influence. It takes a massive amount of hard work, serving, persistence, patience, humility and hope. Very often, if not in every case, it takes going through hardships and lots of overcoming. And unfortunately, there are always going to be people who will shoot your dreams down and tell you that you can't do the impossible. Every good thing will be met with some kind of resistance, at some point in time.

I am so excited though: every day seems to bring me closer to seeing my dreams come to reality. Sure, there are downs and I have gone through my share of valleys and dark nights, but God wasn't joking when He promised to take me from glory to glory (2 Corinthians 3:18). Sometimes I look at the woman of confidence, security, and influence I see staring back at my in the mirror and am amazed. Suddenly, my dreams of wanting to impact the world in various ways do not seem as "out there" as they used to be. I am starting to see how God has been shaping and preparing me for such a time as this. It's taken a lifetime of small decisions and hundreds of little "Yes's!" of my heart to shape me into the person I am today.
No, I am not perfect; I've got miiiiiilllleeeessss to go. And I'm still figuring out who I am (let's be honest, does it ever end?). And I'm actually an absolutely normal person.
I just have an extraordinary God living inside of me! That means nothing is too "out there"! There are no limits!

It's going to take a lifetime of everyday decisions, faithfulness in the small things, lots of patience, and truckloads of overcoming, but I'm gonna keep at it. And I'm gonna keep on dreaming. It's gonna be so worth it!

I Will Not Be Silent

Love is coming alive, and it's pushing out the fear 

Love is coming alive

Love is coming alive

Love is coming alive, and it's letting my voice out of the cage of fear: 

I won't be silent, I won't be silent, I won't be silent 

I will not be silent 

Love is the key that's opening up the cage inside of me 

And my voice is coming alive, my voice is coming alive

I will not be silent anymore 

I will not be bound by fear and worry and discouragement 

I'm coming out of my cage 

And my voice is exploding with praise! 

My voice is coming alive! 

I will not be silent, I will not be silent

Let the voice of a generation be awakened 

Let the voice of a generation be awakened:

We will not be silent anymore

These are some of the lyrics from this very prophetic song "The Voice of A Generation" by Melissa (and Jonathan David) Helser. I was listening to it this morning and wow, this is straight from the heart of God. Take a listen to it. I guarantee it will stir you up! This is what's resonating in my spirit right now: 

I feel like God is calling me, as well as a generation, to not be silent anymore. 

For me, it is quite literal: for years I have been silenced. Well, I let myself be silenced by believing the many lies about myself. This manifested in being that wallflower girl - you know, the one that melts into the shadows, not wanting any attention drawn to herself, doused in insecurity. 

I loved to sing, but if anyone heard me, that was the end of it. A hurtful experience with a voice teacher sealed the deal and made me never want to sing again. I couldn't fit into her mold of an operatic soprano. Not even close! 

For years I was convinced that there was something wrong with my "different," lower alto voice.

Why couldn't I just sound like everyone else? 

Thankfully, my God is so gracious and faithful. He doesn't make mistakes! 

It's been a number of years on this journey of freedom of finding my voice, and I'm sure it will be a few more. Getting free is not easy and usually doesn't happen with a snap of the fingers.
It is a battle to take those lies captive, declare the truth, and step out in faith, doing it even when you may be scared and trembling.
Sure, I'm still not the most outspoken girl in the crowd, but I am not afraid to stand out anymore. I am not afraid to sing out anymore!

I'm finding my voice; it's coming alive because Love Himself has come and unlocked the cage inside of me. 

The enemy fought hard to silence me for many years; I won't let him do it again. And I'll reclaim those lost years - the Lord is so faithful to redeem and heal those past hurts and memories. 

I will not let fear, worry or discouragement hold me back anymore!

He has given me songs to sing that no one else can sing.

Just as He made me unique and unlike any other on the planet, He made my voice unique. I can sing songs that touch the heart of God in a certain way that none other can. My love, expressed through my songs, moves Him in a way like no other.
Why, then, would I hold back? How can I? I have a song to sing!
I'm learning to love the uniqueness of my voice, because that's the way that He made it. He took the time to craft my voice and vocal chords when I was in my mother's womb. It was not a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes!

I encourage you to go on this freedom journey for yourself. 

Where in your life have you allowed the enemy to silence you? What does your voice sound like?

I pray that you find your voice. 

It doesn't have to be a singing voice; it looks different for everyone. It could be the words you craft in your journal, the art you make, the instrumental melodies you create, the words you speak out, the prayers you pray... whatever! 

We've let hurtful, untrue words and actions shape us and determine our futures for too long. 

We've been bound by fear for too long. 

We've been silenced for much too long.

It's time for a generation to rise up and find its voice: we will not be silent anymore. 

Love in Action: Honour

There is something special that happens when you honour your leaders.
There is something REALLY special that happens when a whole room of people honours their leaders.
I got to witness it yesterday.
I am blessed to be part of a church family that believes in honour.
They don't just believe in honour; they live and breathe honour.
Day in and day out, I have seen and experienced the leaders and mentors in this church honouring individuals, including myself. That is something you don't get everywhere, unfortunately.

I was curious about the meaning of the word, so I looked it up. Here are some definitions and synonyms that were fitting:

a showing of usually merited respect; one whose worth brings respect or fame; a source of credit or distinction; giving recognition; respect; esteem; acclaim; praise; reverence; admiration

It can be personal as well as corporate.
It should not hinge on whether the person necessarily deserves the honour or not.
It is something that, as Christ-followers, we should work on cultivating everywhere we go.
It is an act of humility; it's about putting someone else above yourself (Romans 12:10 NIV).
It is powerful; withholding it is deadly.

Honour breeds honour.

Many of the leaders I went up to honour have been key people that have welcomed me with open arms, have made me feel at home here, and have spoken and poured into my life in one way or another. As I went up to honour them, most turned around and honoured me right back! They were there, doing what they do, before I could even get a word in, ha!

But that's just it: honour breeds honour.

When leaders themselves walk in honour and exercise "the practice" of honour, they set the culture.
A culture of honour makes everyone feel valued and worthwhile; it sees and calls out "the gold" in someone else's life.
A culture of honour enables: it sees the potential inside of you and (gently) pushes you into your destiny.
A culture of honour encourages you to pursue more, as you see the man or woman of God you were meant to be.
A culture of honour is a safe place to learn and grow.

1 Peter 2:17 instructs us to "Honour everyone." (ESV) and Romans 12:10 tells us to "Outdo one another in showing honour"(ESV).
I want to be known as one who honours. One who honours the young, the old, and everyone in between, especially the leaders and mentors in my life whose authority I am under.
Because there is something special that happens when you honour your leader.
And there is something REALLY special that happens when a whole room of people honours their leaders.

Dear 15-year old me,

I wish I could make you see how beautiful you are. You’re not going to believe it for a long time and you’re going to fight it, but it’s the truth. I wish I could tell you to stand tall with your head up – I know you slouch because you’re insecure, but it’s really bad for your posture, and tall is beautiful, despite the awkward looks and comments you get. I know the last thing you want to do is stand out in a crowd, but truth is, you’re only gonna get taller, not shorter, baby! Don’t worry, though, you’ll learn to embrace your height and love your long legs! Also, take it easy on the black eyeliner – I don’t know what you are trying to prove, but it’s not pretty! On the topic of self-image stuff, I wish I could let you know that beauty is not a number on the scale, and being dangerously thin does not make you more desirable. It might take a few years and lots of healing, but you’ll get it eventually, believe me.

You’re gonna go through a hard few years, feeling completely alone, like nobody really “gets” you. You’re going to want to move far away just to find a “true” community full of people who “get” you. You’re going to feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole much of the time. But guess what? You’re never going to fit into a mold, and that’s okay! Just to whet your appetite though, you’re going to spend 6 life-changing months with people like you! You’re going to start to find out who you really are, shed a lot of lies from the past, and walk in lots of freedom. 

You’ll find this hard to believe – after those 6 incredible months, the next few years are going to be even better. Your mind will be blown! You’ll never imagine where you’ll end up: a little city called Brantford in southwestern Ontario. Never heard of it? Well, neither did I until three years ago. You’re gonna find an amazing community there. Lifelong friendships will be built from the relationships you will develop in those years, and you’ll get to live in the same city and in the same house as one of your closest friends – how cool is that?! There will be people who will become like family to you, so don’t worry about stepping into the great unknown by yourself!

Also, it’s gonna take you a while, but you’re gonna find your voice again. The experience with your voice teacher is going to hurt and take some future healing - it’s going to make you even more self-conscious about your lower alto voice, but one day, you’re actually going to love your voice. I know you only sing in your room with all the doors closed so that no one can hear you, but one day, you’re going to be able to sing fearlessly into that mic with confidence and boldness! That’s your 21-year-old self speaking, from experience!

One last thing: enjoy every moment with your family. It might take moving halfway across the world for you to realize how valuable they are to you, but you’ll get it eventually. Keep trusting and letting your parents into your life: they are going to be your number one fans in the years to come and will be some of your closest friends. They’re also pretty wise ;) You shouldn’t try to hide what you’re feeling from them.

Keep your head up, girly! Your future is bright; I believe in you!