Beautiful (Messy) Surrender

After living the past five years driven by deadlines, class schedules and assignments, (which was all heightened during the whirlwind of the past 12 months of an intense Masters program), I found myself slapped with reality at the beginning of August. I had finally finished what had been the most intense 12 months of my life and had successfully completed a demanding Masters program. While it was such a relief to not have to spend late nights and early mornings scrambling to meet deadlines, produce and perform anymore, the feeling of “Now what?” loomed and intimidated. For someone who has to fight hard to separate their identity and worth from what they do, the reality of my unemployment and lack of concrete plans or vision challenged me to the core. 

I found myself face-to-face with some of the hardest life questions that I had always considered but which became all the more real as I began to look for a job and consider “real” adult life: What kind of job would I get? What if I can’t get a job? Should I stay in the community I’ve come to love so much? Should I move on to another adventure? What do I want my life to be about? What are the things that are most important to me? What am I passionate about? What kind of a legacy do I want to leave?

After about a month of rest and recuperating from the year, enjoying time to do things I hadn’t been able to do, I began to get desperate for work – any kind of it! I ended up taking a job as a supervisor at Goodness Me, a local health food store. Spending my days serving customers, stocking shelves and cleaning bathrooms has been humbling J During this season I’ve often thought, “I’m not where I want to be” in many ways – I’m working a job completely unrelated to what I went to school for, living in a family’s basement, still very single, etc. and yet I’m realizing that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I’m the most messy and broken that I maybe ever have been. God is dismantling and pruning a lot of things in my life. He’s changing mindsets and shaking everything that can be shaken so that only His Love remains. He’s been exposing lies I’ve believed about myself and about Him for so long. It’s messy and yet it’s beautiful. He’s been exposing how little I actually live by faith (all in the most gracious and loving way, of course!). I’ve had moments where I’ve leapt blindly by faith into the unknown but I’m in a stage of life where it feels like all my safety nets have been taken away; I’m caught in a permanent free fall with no parachute of my own. If I want to live, I have to live by faith. I’ve had to put all of my faith and trust in my God, the only true and constant One in my life. If faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see, then He’s teaching me how to live in kingdom reality, Land of the Unseen.

I’m realizing I’ve spent so much of my life in the “in-between” stages just wishing away my time, waiting to arrive at the places I’m anticipating. Always hoping, waiting and wondering what the future will hold. This season is teaching me so much about the in between.

It has a beauty of its own, but few have eyes to see and catch it.

We’re always so focused on “arriving,” forgetting that God is in the journey and the process just as much as He is in the final destination. 

I wrote down this phrase in my journal about a month ago, and God’s been showing me just how true it is: “There’s peace in the process, there’s beauty in the waiting.” 

I actually think He’s often more about the journey and the process than He is in us “getting somewhere.” It’s about our hearts and characters looking more like His, after all – an ongoing process that will take more than a lifetime to complete. He wants to walk with us through the mountains and valleys of life. He wants to dialogue with us through the process. He lets us try things out and make mistakes so He can gently correct and guide us. And He’s not afraid to get His hands dirty in the mess of our lives. I see Him crouching down and playing with me in the mud of my life, like I used to when I was a little girl. Often I think He’s more okay with my mess than I even am.

I’m so thankful for Jonathan David and Melissa Helser, with whose heart language I resonate with so much. They put poetic lyrics and melodies to what I’ve been feeling the past few months:

Beautiful Surrender, is where I wanna be

Locked into Your arms, for all eternity

Come and take my hand, You can lead me where You please

That Beautiful Surrender is chasing after me

(You can listen to the full song here)

Surrender is beautiful, but it’s often not very pretty.

I don’t really know where I’m going (both physically and metaphorically speaking). I don’t have a five-year plan or a one-year plan – heck, I’m not even sure what the next six months hold for me. But I do know this: I am running after Him with full abandon into this Beautiful Surrender. I’m fiercely pursuing all that He wants to show and teach me in this season. I’m finding joy and peace in the process. I’m holding up my ideas, plans and dreams and am giving them back to Him, letting Him unfold them. 

Beautiful (messy) Surrender. I wouldn't want it any other way.