I Will Not Be Silent

Love is coming alive, and it's pushing out the fear 

Love is coming alive

Love is coming alive

Love is coming alive, and it's letting my voice out of the cage of fear: 

I won't be silent, I won't be silent, I won't be silent 

I will not be silent 

Love is the key that's opening up the cage inside of me 

And my voice is coming alive, my voice is coming alive

I will not be silent anymore 

I will not be bound by fear and worry and discouragement 

I'm coming out of my cage 

And my voice is exploding with praise! 

My voice is coming alive! 

I will not be silent, I will not be silent

Let the voice of a generation be awakened 

Let the voice of a generation be awakened:

We will not be silent anymore

These are some of the lyrics from this very prophetic song "The Voice of A Generation" by Melissa (and Jonathan David) Helser. I was listening to it this morning and wow, this is straight from the heart of God. Take a listen to it. I guarantee it will stir you up! This is what's resonating in my spirit right now: 

I feel like God is calling me, as well as a generation, to not be silent anymore. 

For me, it is quite literal: for years I have been silenced. Well, I let myself be silenced by believing the many lies about myself. This manifested in being that wallflower girl - you know, the one that melts into the shadows, not wanting any attention drawn to herself, doused in insecurity. 

I loved to sing, but if anyone heard me, that was the end of it. A hurtful experience with a voice teacher sealed the deal and made me never want to sing again. I couldn't fit into her mold of an operatic soprano. Not even close! 

For years I was convinced that there was something wrong with my "different," lower alto voice.

Why couldn't I just sound like everyone else? 

Thankfully, my God is so gracious and faithful. He doesn't make mistakes! 

It's been a number of years on this journey of freedom of finding my voice, and I'm sure it will be a few more. Getting free is not easy and usually doesn't happen with a snap of the fingers.
It is a battle to take those lies captive, declare the truth, and step out in faith, doing it even when you may be scared and trembling.
Sure, I'm still not the most outspoken girl in the crowd, but I am not afraid to stand out anymore. I am not afraid to sing out anymore!

I'm finding my voice; it's coming alive because Love Himself has come and unlocked the cage inside of me. 

The enemy fought hard to silence me for many years; I won't let him do it again. And I'll reclaim those lost years - the Lord is so faithful to redeem and heal those past hurts and memories. 

I will not let fear, worry or discouragement hold me back anymore!

He has given me songs to sing that no one else can sing.

Just as He made me unique and unlike any other on the planet, He made my voice unique. I can sing songs that touch the heart of God in a certain way that none other can. My love, expressed through my songs, moves Him in a way like no other.
Why, then, would I hold back? How can I? I have a song to sing!
I'm learning to love the uniqueness of my voice, because that's the way that He made it. He took the time to craft my voice and vocal chords when I was in my mother's womb. It was not a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes!

I encourage you to go on this freedom journey for yourself. 

Where in your life have you allowed the enemy to silence you? What does your voice sound like?

I pray that you find your voice. 

It doesn't have to be a singing voice; it looks different for everyone. It could be the words you craft in your journal, the art you make, the instrumental melodies you create, the words you speak out, the prayers you pray... whatever! 

We've let hurtful, untrue words and actions shape us and determine our futures for too long. 

We've been bound by fear for too long. 

We've been silenced for much too long.

It's time for a generation to rise up and find its voice: we will not be silent anymore. 

Love in Action: Honour

There is something special that happens when you honour your leaders.
There is something REALLY special that happens when a whole room of people honours their leaders.
I got to witness it yesterday.
I am blessed to be part of a church family that believes in honour.
They don't just believe in honour; they live and breathe honour.
Day in and day out, I have seen and experienced the leaders and mentors in this church honouring individuals, including myself. That is something you don't get everywhere, unfortunately.

I was curious about the meaning of the word, so I looked it up. Here are some definitions and synonyms that were fitting:

a showing of usually merited respect; one whose worth brings respect or fame; a source of credit or distinction; giving recognition; respect; esteem; acclaim; praise; reverence; admiration

It can be personal as well as corporate.
It should not hinge on whether the person necessarily deserves the honour or not.
It is something that, as Christ-followers, we should work on cultivating everywhere we go.
It is an act of humility; it's about putting someone else above yourself (Romans 12:10 NIV).
It is powerful; withholding it is deadly.

Honour breeds honour.

Many of the leaders I went up to honour have been key people that have welcomed me with open arms, have made me feel at home here, and have spoken and poured into my life in one way or another. As I went up to honour them, most turned around and honoured me right back! They were there, doing what they do, before I could even get a word in, ha!

But that's just it: honour breeds honour.

When leaders themselves walk in honour and exercise "the practice" of honour, they set the culture.
A culture of honour makes everyone feel valued and worthwhile; it sees and calls out "the gold" in someone else's life.
A culture of honour enables: it sees the potential inside of you and (gently) pushes you into your destiny.
A culture of honour encourages you to pursue more, as you see the man or woman of God you were meant to be.
A culture of honour is a safe place to learn and grow.

1 Peter 2:17 instructs us to "Honour everyone." (ESV) and Romans 12:10 tells us to "Outdo one another in showing honour"(ESV).
I want to be known as one who honours. One who honours the young, the old, and everyone in between, especially the leaders and mentors in my life whose authority I am under.
Because there is something special that happens when you honour your leader.
And there is something REALLY special that happens when a whole room of people honours their leaders.

Dear 15-year old me,

I wish I could make you see how beautiful you are. You’re not going to believe it for a long time and you’re going to fight it, but it’s the truth. I wish I could tell you to stand tall with your head up – I know you slouch because you’re insecure, but it’s really bad for your posture, and tall is beautiful, despite the awkward looks and comments you get. I know the last thing you want to do is stand out in a crowd, but truth is, you’re only gonna get taller, not shorter, baby! Don’t worry, though, you’ll learn to embrace your height and love your long legs! Also, take it easy on the black eyeliner – I don’t know what you are trying to prove, but it’s not pretty! On the topic of self-image stuff, I wish I could let you know that beauty is not a number on the scale, and being dangerously thin does not make you more desirable. It might take a few years and lots of healing, but you’ll get it eventually, believe me.

You’re gonna go through a hard few years, feeling completely alone, like nobody really “gets” you. You’re going to want to move far away just to find a “true” community full of people who “get” you. You’re going to feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole much of the time. But guess what? You’re never going to fit into a mold, and that’s okay! Just to whet your appetite though, you’re going to spend 6 life-changing months with people like you! You’re going to start to find out who you really are, shed a lot of lies from the past, and walk in lots of freedom. 

You’ll find this hard to believe – after those 6 incredible months, the next few years are going to be even better. Your mind will be blown! You’ll never imagine where you’ll end up: a little city called Brantford in southwestern Ontario. Never heard of it? Well, neither did I until three years ago. You’re gonna find an amazing community there. Lifelong friendships will be built from the relationships you will develop in those years, and you’ll get to live in the same city and in the same house as one of your closest friends – how cool is that?! There will be people who will become like family to you, so don’t worry about stepping into the great unknown by yourself!

Also, it’s gonna take you a while, but you’re gonna find your voice again. The experience with your voice teacher is going to hurt and take some future healing - it’s going to make you even more self-conscious about your lower alto voice, but one day, you’re actually going to love your voice. I know you only sing in your room with all the doors closed so that no one can hear you, but one day, you’re going to be able to sing fearlessly into that mic with confidence and boldness! That’s your 21-year-old self speaking, from experience!

One last thing: enjoy every moment with your family. It might take moving halfway across the world for you to realize how valuable they are to you, but you’ll get it eventually. Keep trusting and letting your parents into your life: they are going to be your number one fans in the years to come and will be some of your closest friends. They’re also pretty wise ;) You shouldn’t try to hide what you’re feeling from them.

Keep your head up, girly! Your future is bright; I believe in you! 

A Relentless Pursuit

Every Friday night from 10pm to 2 in the morning during the summer, my church does what we call "Flippin' Fridays". We set up our BBQ outside an old mall/business centre and give out hundreds of hamburgers and hotdogs to all kinds of people for free. Why? We love our city and want to bless the people in our city. We want to meet the felt needs (e.g. hunger, value, honor, etc.) of people. We believe (and have seen) that the kindness of God leads people to repentance. 

I enjoy serving at these nights. For a long time I felt very awkward and out of place - these BBQ's were definitely out of my comfort zone. A few weeks ago, though, I began to have some very meaningful conversations with people. Yes, inevitably, there have been encounters with some extremely intoxicated men who stand uncomfortably too close to you and literally talk in your face, but I have also had some incredible exchanges with people who just needed someone to talk to. Just last week, I was able to pray with my friend for this lady who had extremely bad back pain. The pain didn't go away immediately but we later learned that all the pain had left the next morning. So cool! So now I willingly embrace the awkward and am open to whatever may happen, whether it be silly or deep conversation, praying for people, goofing around, or being part of seeing lives be transformed. Tonight it was the latter. This is a story of redemption. This is a story of an ordinary person getting to be part of the bigger "God picture" of someone's life. This is a story of the relentless, pursuing love of God. 

A couple in their mid-20s walked up to the BBQ and the guy asked if there were any vegan options as he said that his girlfriend was vegan. I told him we actually did have a package of veggie dogs in the freezer (thank You Jesus for that random package of slightly expired veggie dogs we had sitting around in there). The girl, Liz, was delighted and offered to make a donation for her special BBQ request. When I told her we didn't take donations, she said the least she could do was go down with me to get them. I happily agreed to that, unaware of what was about to follow. She seemed very interested in what we were doing, and started asking me questions. We quickly got into questions about God, and then she started telling me her God story. She shared that she had asked Jesus into her heart, had been to church and Sunday School as a little girl but when some difficulties with her father came up, and when her mom turned away from God, she felt abandoned by God and also turned away. She kept saying, "I love Jesus, I really do!" and said that she used to talk to God and go into her closet and pray, but that she hadn't felt Him for many years. She was so genuine about it and I could see in her eyes that she still loved Jesus a lot. I told her that God had never given up on her and that He had never abandoned her. "In fact," I said, "God is still pursuing you! The amazing thing is that even when we turn and run away from Him, He still comes chasing after us. He doesn't stop pursuing us." I asked her if she wanted to pray and give her heart back to Him. She eagerly accepted and grabbed my hands. It was so awesome - as I was praying, she would interject with her own prayers. She said she felt bad for giving up on God when, all the while, He had never given up on her. I shared the wonderful news about the forgiveness of God. God was moving deeply in her heart; she was bawling, and I was close to it, too. I could sense that God was coming and filling her up, tangibly, just as I had prayed. I asked her if she had ever been filled with the Holy Spirit. She said she was feeling it now. I prayed for Holy Spirit to come and fill her more, and to come with peace and joy. The funny thing is, when I started praying this, I began to be filled with the Holy Spirit too, ha. She was feeling it. She kept saying, "This is so beautiful!" and "I can feel Him!"

I declared that this was going to be an unforgettable day; a turning point in her life; the day where she came back to God. She agreed, and said she thought it would be significant for both of us. I have never experienced such a divine encounter with a person who was so hungry and just ready to make a decision like that, so, yes, I knew this was going to be hugely significant for me, as well. I was also getting rocked by the Holy Spirit. I felt filled with so much joy and, between laughs, told her that God was dancing over her. She knew and could feel it too. She expressed over and over again that she felt such a connection to me. As she was spilling out her heart to me earlier, she shared that she had been feeling alone and disconnected for a long time. I told her that this walk wasn't meant to be done alone and that we need each other to lift us up when we are feeling down and to remind us of the truth when we forget or get overwhelmed. She kept hugging me and we kept thanking God for this beautiful exchange. It's amazing the kind of connection that happens when two souls share a moment where the Holy Spirit breaks in. I know that something really special is going to come out of this relationship; I already feel we are going to be close sisters in Christ. She said she wanted to worship beside me and said she was going to come to church on Sunday, and that she wanted to be here [at Flippin' Fridays] helping.

WOWWWWW!!! ISN'T GOD INCREDIBLE?!!

He loves to display His character through us, especially when we are weak and feeling inadequate, as I was that evening. I am so honored that God would choose to work through me and show His love through me to call one of His lost sheep home. I have never experienced such a divine encounter with another person as I did tonight. 

I am so undone by the love of God! 

He leaves the flock to go after the one. We started out the night with an hour of prayer and had a song called "Relentless Pursuit" by Kim Walker-Smith playing in the background. The lyrics kept going through my mind and heart as this encounter with Liz was happening: "It's a relentless pursuit, a passionate pursuit; I will not stop chasing after you, the love of My life." 

He relentlessly pursues hearts. His love chases us down, again and again, in the fiercest yet most tender way. I saw that tonight: Liz came in feeling abandoned and hurt by God, and she left feeling filled with the presence of God. And for that, my friends, I will gladly face and EMBRACE the awkward, the uncomfortable, the strange, and the wonderful of Friday nights. 

P.s. She never did end up eating that veggie dog!

Cage-less Bird: An Allegory

A cage that has been locked for so long. Inside, a bird sits. Some days it tries to spread its wings and flap its way out, in desperation. Other days, it has not the energy or motivation to stir. Some days it has hope of one day being set free. Other days it believes it is destined to an enclosed life, knowing only the confinement of its cage.
Though it may try with all its strength to free itself from the cage, it cannot.
It needs intervention.
It needs someone to come and unlock the cage.
One day it comes to the end of itself, and calls out, as a final act of desperation. It wonders whether anyone can hear its cries. It begins with a faltering, tentative whimper and continues, the cries becoming stronger and louder. The bird knows that freedom is imminent, and it yearns for it. It longs to be able to open its wings without feeling the constricting bars of its cage. It longs to fly again. But oh, it has been so long. It's forgotten what it feels like to fly. It's forgotten how to fly.
Then, suddenly, it knows not how, but it perceives that today must be the day.
The day where it will finally be set free.
After a lifetime of confinement, it will finally see a different world from the one it's always known.
With much fear and trepidation of the unknown journey it is about to embark on, it reaches out.
At just the right time, and in just the right way, hands appear and cradle the lock, possessing the key that will unlock the cage.
Though longing for this moment for a lifetime, the bird hesitates and feels overcome by fear of the new thing that is unfolding. Everything it has ever known - life inside the cage - is about to change.
Its fears soon dissipate, however, the moment the door is flung open.
A fresh wind blows through its wings and it can finally see the beauty that has always surrounded it, but which it has never known. The wind carries fragrant promise and overwhelming hope.
The bird, overcome, slowly stretches out its little wings, which have been cramped for so long, and flaps them a few times, feeling strength returning and relief flooding its frame.
It feels like a baby bird again, having to relearn how to use its wings. It takes a few tries before it can fly without crashing to the ground. Soon, though, it flies high, catching the currents of air and soaring in the breeze. This is its song:

"I'm soaring with You now;

I'm flying on Your wings.

We're going past the clouds; 

I'm seeing what You see."

The Awakening

I wrote this a while ago, during a very long plane ride, but felt like it was fitting to post now:

"On a 14-hour plane ride where one cannot sleep much, there is an abundance of time to simply sit (well, you have nowhere else to go!) and meditate. It's one of my favorite things to do. I love just thinking about anything and everything, and dreaming about life. I decided to fill my ears with some cello sonatas: sure to be conducive to some "deeper" thinking. Most people don't know the lifelong dream I've had to learn the cello. There's something about it that absolutely connects my heart to the eternal, something that stirs the deep waters of my soul. Follow my train of thought for a moment: cello dreams reminded me of a poem I composed for a poetry class I took a couple of years ago. It was full of flowery and musical words and imagery describing how cello music affects me. Then that led me to think of writing in general. I have a blog that has been sitting untouched for quite some time. I was reminded of how enjoyable I find writing and how crafting words into something beautiful is a joy. So this is another attempt, another stab at reviving the writer within me. I know that writing is something that I want to be cultivating and growing in, so I want to try and set aside some time each week to write - something, anything! It doesn't have to be long. I just know that I want to grow in the gifts that God has given me and be a good steward of them." 

The poem I wrote is applicable to this theme of "reviving the writer within me," so I thought I would share:

The Awakening

Warm tones    that woo the soul

Rise from the rifts    of the rejected cello

Now caressed    with new hands.

Riveting strains    resound when released

From the strings stretched    over a shell:

An ode to joy    and all its oddities—

Of beauty found    in the broken and battered.

The carved wood    of the cello rejoices

As the bow graces    its strings again.

Here's to being inspired to write again! :)

Beauty: More Than Skin Deep

It's time to write again. It's been almost a year since I've published anything on here. I've had ideas rolling around in my head for a while and I've wanted to sit and down and write for so long but life has got in the way and this has been put on the back burner. I don't know if anyone actually reads what I post, and, in all actuality, I don't really care. This is just an outlet for the humble writings of a "burning heart," and I'm just letting you 'listen' in. 

I recently watched this video titled "Real Beauty Sketches" that Dove released. You might have seen it going around Facebook. It's gone viral, which is awesome. I love Dove's "Real Beauty Campaign" and the ideas behind it. The world, especially the females of the world, need more of that! If you haven't watched this video, go and watch it now! 

Basically, it very cleverly and artistically makes a point about how us women perceive ourselves and our beauty. We're often much, much harder on ourselves and our flaws than others ever are. We get acquainted with our flaws, up close and personal, believing them to literally be "larger than life": the pimple that covers the forehead, the huge bags under the eyes, the dreaded facial hair that everyone must see and must be noticing all the time. 

It's crazy, and yet it's so true.

I watched another video that Dove released that first showed women being asked what thing they would change about their body. When asked this question, most women responded almost immediately and usually gave more than one thing or simply said, "Everything!" When the same women were asked what feature they love about themselves, it took them much, much longer to answer. Some didn't have an answer.
Working in retail, I hear a ton of "Does this make me look fat?" and "I really don't like my fat *insert body part/area*! I can't wear that!"
It is so poisonous and it grieves my heart!

I've walked down this path, and while it is still something that I struggle with, it is an area that I have gotten much freedom in! I used to hate what I saw when I looked in the mirror. All I saw was fat hanging off of my body when I was actually a really lanky, skin-and-bones teenager. I used to walk slouched over because I hated how my height made me tower over everybody else. I hated my makeup-less face that would expose my blotchy, pimply face to the world. I am so thankful to say that I have come a looooong way since the completely-insecure-teenaged phase.
It hasn't been an instant transformation; it's been a process. And a long, hard one at that!
 But I can stand tall with confidence, knowing that I am absolutely beautiful, inside AND out.
And if God did it for me, then He can most certainly do it for you, too!

Yes, there are days where I feel anything but beautiful and yes, there are days where I feel like staying inside all day and not showing my face to the world, but you know what? Those are just feelings. Our emotions and our feelings aren't always true - in fact, they lie A LOT.
I've struggled with this, no, I am still struggling with this battle of calling your emotions into line with the truth. It's a daily struggle and there's a decision to be made every day: Am I going to believe what I know is true about me, or am I going to believe my feelings?
And how do you know the truth? Spend time with the One who is Truth - Jesus. He's got some good things to say about you to you! Spend time in His Word that is Truth:

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. He knows every part of you and loves all of it - Psalm 139:14
You enthrall the King with your beauty - Psalm 45:11
You have flawless beauty - Song of Solomon 4:7
When He made you, He said that you were VERY good :) - Genesis 2
You are dressed in robes of righteousness - Isaiah 61:10
He calls you His own - 1 John 3:1

There's so much more to what He thinks about you - His thoughts towards you are more than the grains of sand! (Psalm 139:18) May you be blessed as you learn to walk in His truth and as you let His thoughts define you.

P.s. I don't think it's vain to love the way that you look or to love a certain feature of yours. In fact, I think we should love ourselves and praise the way that God made us! Sometimes, you just gotta look in that mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say, "Gurrrllll, you look good!" Say it until you believe it!