Beautiful (Messy) Surrender

After living the past five years driven by deadlines, class schedules and assignments, (which was all heightened during the whirlwind of the past 12 months of an intense Masters program), I found myself slapped with reality at the beginning of August. I had finally finished what had been the most intense 12 months of my life and had successfully completed a demanding Masters program. While it was such a relief to not have to spend late nights and early mornings scrambling to meet deadlines, produce and perform anymore, the feeling of “Now what?” loomed and intimidated. For someone who has to fight hard to separate their identity and worth from what they do, the reality of my unemployment and lack of concrete plans or vision challenged me to the core. 

I found myself face-to-face with some of the hardest life questions that I had always considered but which became all the more real as I began to look for a job and consider “real” adult life: What kind of job would I get? What if I can’t get a job? Should I stay in the community I’ve come to love so much? Should I move on to another adventure? What do I want my life to be about? What are the things that are most important to me? What am I passionate about? What kind of a legacy do I want to leave?

After about a month of rest and recuperating from the year, enjoying time to do things I hadn’t been able to do, I began to get desperate for work – any kind of it! I ended up taking a job as a supervisor at Goodness Me, a local health food store. Spending my days serving customers, stocking shelves and cleaning bathrooms has been humbling J During this season I’ve often thought, “I’m not where I want to be” in many ways – I’m working a job completely unrelated to what I went to school for, living in a family’s basement, still very single, etc. and yet I’m realizing that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I’m the most messy and broken that I maybe ever have been. God is dismantling and pruning a lot of things in my life. He’s changing mindsets and shaking everything that can be shaken so that only His Love remains. He’s been exposing lies I’ve believed about myself and about Him for so long. It’s messy and yet it’s beautiful. He’s been exposing how little I actually live by faith (all in the most gracious and loving way, of course!). I’ve had moments where I’ve leapt blindly by faith into the unknown but I’m in a stage of life where it feels like all my safety nets have been taken away; I’m caught in a permanent free fall with no parachute of my own. If I want to live, I have to live by faith. I’ve had to put all of my faith and trust in my God, the only true and constant One in my life. If faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see, then He’s teaching me how to live in kingdom reality, Land of the Unseen.

I’m realizing I’ve spent so much of my life in the “in-between” stages just wishing away my time, waiting to arrive at the places I’m anticipating. Always hoping, waiting and wondering what the future will hold. This season is teaching me so much about the in between.

It has a beauty of its own, but few have eyes to see and catch it.

We’re always so focused on “arriving,” forgetting that God is in the journey and the process just as much as He is in the final destination. 

I wrote down this phrase in my journal about a month ago, and God’s been showing me just how true it is: “There’s peace in the process, there’s beauty in the waiting.” 

I actually think He’s often more about the journey and the process than He is in us “getting somewhere.” It’s about our hearts and characters looking more like His, after all – an ongoing process that will take more than a lifetime to complete. He wants to walk with us through the mountains and valleys of life. He wants to dialogue with us through the process. He lets us try things out and make mistakes so He can gently correct and guide us. And He’s not afraid to get His hands dirty in the mess of our lives. I see Him crouching down and playing with me in the mud of my life, like I used to when I was a little girl. Often I think He’s more okay with my mess than I even am.

I’m so thankful for Jonathan David and Melissa Helser, with whose heart language I resonate with so much. They put poetic lyrics and melodies to what I’ve been feeling the past few months:

Beautiful Surrender, is where I wanna be

Locked into Your arms, for all eternity

Come and take my hand, You can lead me where You please

That Beautiful Surrender is chasing after me

(You can listen to the full song here)

Surrender is beautiful, but it’s often not very pretty.

I don’t really know where I’m going (both physically and metaphorically speaking). I don’t have a five-year plan or a one-year plan – heck, I’m not even sure what the next six months hold for me. But I do know this: I am running after Him with full abandon into this Beautiful Surrender. I’m fiercely pursuing all that He wants to show and teach me in this season. I’m finding joy and peace in the process. I’m holding up my ideas, plans and dreams and am giving them back to Him, letting Him unfold them. 

Beautiful (messy) Surrender. I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Enjoy the moment!

I had carefully checked the weather forecast before I headed out the door this morning to hop on my bike to go to a staff meeting that morning. It was overcast with a 30% chance of precipitation. It was perfect going there — cool enough so that I didn't even work up much of a sweat riding up the couple of hills I have to go through on my regular route. After we had wrapped things up at the meeting I went outside and could smell the freshness of rain mingled with concrete and could see raindrops bouncing off my saddle. "Well, this is just great!" I thought rather sarcastically to myself, "I'm gonna get wet!" To make it worse, I had forgotten my wallet that morning so I wasn't even able to grab lunch or shop around and wait around for the rain to stop. I decided to brave the weather as I just wanted to get home. Thankfully, it was not pouring, and I had definitely been caught in worse before! I tried not to grimace too much as I squinted my eyes, deflecting the drops that were flying into my face. The thought, "Enjoy the moment!" flitted across my mind as I was getting wetter by the second. I tried to look at it in a positive light: it was (somewhat) fun, it was refreshing and it was unexpected.
Bear with me as I digress a bit. After growing up in an arid, desert climate my entire life, I used to welcome the thought of rain; it was always something special, worthy of celebration when it came. And now? I've become rather indifferent to it and it's even become a bit of a nuisance, especially when it entails getting wet! These are changes, among others, that I've noticed after having moved here eight months ago or so. A huge difference between the "desert child me" and the "Canadian me" was accentuated as I was skyping with my parents (who are still currently living in the Middle East) the other day and we were talking about the weather. I was saying that it was getting warmer and more humid as the temperature has been climbing into the mid-20s (Celcius) and I've even got central AC. They just laughed - current temperatures where they are are well into the 40s!!! I think it's safe to say that I have adapted to Canadian climate because that sounds unbearable right now!
While there is a part of me that dislikes 'letting go' of certain aspects of the life I knew before and clinging to a new one, a part of me knows that it's good and that it's all part of the process of accepting change and adjusting. I know that, at heart, I will always be a "desert child" and that the Middle East will always be a part of me. I know I will probably go back and live there one day. I know that hearing snatches of Arabic in grocery stores or having interactions with Arabs will always warm my heart and bring a big smile to my face. I also know that I can't live in the past or the future - I can't live in the memories of home and I can't live just waiting to go back. I want to live in the present, engaged with my current surroundings and the people around me. That's where "Enjoy the moment" comes in. You will just live waiting for life to happen or be continually stuck in a weird time warp of the past if you're constantly wrapped up in the future or past. I don't want to miss the things, whether little or big, that God has for me in each day. Believing that He is constantly pursuing and romancing my heart opens my eyes to the little gifts He sends every single day that are just for me that make my heart dance: a spectacular sunset, seeing a deer in the woods, a free meal, a kind word from a stranger. . . I bet we don't see half the things He sends our way because we're too caught up in something else.

So friends, I challenge you to enjoy each moment and live with eyes wide open to catch what He is doing in the here and now. Sometimes the rain comes and we're unprepared, but it's up to you whether you choose to dance in it or grumble about it.

Home is...

The feeling of sand going through your toes
Intense summer heat akin to what it must feel like to be in an oven
Bright, blue skies 98% of the year
Rejoicing and running out to play when rain, a rare and special gift, comes
Where everything is "inshallah" (if God wills it - hopefully it will get done, but not likely)
Where weddings are big, gaudy, segregated parties that go late into the night and when the Bride only makes her appearance at midnight
Where everything runs on "Arab time" - fashionably late is the norm, sometimes even a few hours after the time earlier agreed upon!
Having to use a few matches before the gas stove finally lights
Hearing the bell ringing through the streets of the neighborhood, signaling the arrival of the gas truck - you have to go out and flag him down if you need "buta gas"
Hearing the call to prayer go off at least a couple of times of the five a day
Where taxi is the standard mode of "public transportation"
The smell of dust in the air and finding sand EVERYWHERE in the house after a sand storm
Hot manaeesh (bread dough topped with cheese folded over) or grilled chicken, tabouleh, hummus and baba ghanoush as the standard, after-church lunch on Friday
Everyone out and about come eight o'clock at night
Crowded malls and overflowing parking lots late at night
The smell of fruity shisha (hookah) wafting from cafes
The rolling red dunes of the desert, our "backyard," literally minutes from our house!
Hearing arabic, urdu/hindi and tagalog all in the same place
Watching a "new" American Idol season on MBC 4 that is actually a few seasons behind the North-American current one
Being excited to go on an airplane, eat the kids' food pack that usually had a little chocolate bar in it, and watch as many movies as we could
Making sure shoulders and legs were covered
Small finjans (cups) of milky tea with at least four spoons of sugar in it
Shabab (young local guys) racing by you in their deeply tinted or mirrored Land Cruisers
Flocks of young boys playing football (soccer) in empty parking lots or streets using their shib-shibs (sandals) or bricks for goal markers
Streets lined with little shops full of cheap candy, grocery and other miscellaneous items
Always sticking out in a crowd! Being a tall, white girl in a sea of light brown always attracted (unwanted) attention
Where Fine (like our Kleenex - what they call tissues) is in every room of the house
Shawarmas and falafels from the shop at the side of the road
The abundance of mangy street cats congregating around the garbage bins
Beautiful in its own, strange way.

Today, I miss it.

Stirrings

Do you know those times where you can feel the pulling in your Spirit, just beckoning you to come away and be with Jesus? I feel it physically. I like to picture that there's something like a rope in my Spirit connected to His Spirit, and sometimes He tugs it - my deep responds by crying out to His. I felt the tug last night. I couldn't wait to just get away so that it could just be me and Him. I started playing some worship songs on my keyboard and singing out my own words out of the overflow of my heart. Music is something that almost immediately draws me into the presence of God and connects me to His heart very quickly. Some of the sweetest, most powerful times of worship I've had have been in the secret place: when I'm shut up in my room with my keyboard and I get to sing my own love songs straight to Jesus and hear Him sing over me. Last night was one of those times. The presence of God came so thick and Holy Spirit started stirring me to intercede. Here are some of the things I furiously scribbled afterwards; this is my heart:

Make us ready for Your coming. Make us holy, righteous, pure, and set apart. Make us ready. Raise up a generation who will be set apart and who will walk in purity and singleness of heart and mind! May there be no areas of compromise in our hearts! Burn away everything that is not of you. Refiner's Fire, come and purify the hearts of this generation. 

NO COMPROMISE, Father! 

Let us be a people of no compromise! May we only desire that which is righteous, pure, lovely and true. We need to be ready. Oh, would You make us ready. There's no time for slumber, there's no time for drunkenness, there's no time for half-hearted devotion. Oh church, get ready. 

WAKE UP! WAKE UP YOU SLEEPING GIANT! 

Sound the alarm, sound the alarm, sound the alarm for He is coming. Do you not know that He is coming soon? Do you not see? Do you not see Him coming down from heaven, coming for a Bride that's pure, spotless and white?Do you not hear? Do you not hear the sound of the trumpets, announcing the return of the Bridegroom? 

GET READY, CHURCH! GET READY! 

There won't be time when He comes for Him to wait while you scurry to get ready. There won't be time for you to get oil while the call to announce His coming has already been sounded. You need to be ready. Oh, make us ready for Your coming! Set us apart! No areas of compromise within our hearts. Holy and set apart. A generation after holiness; a generation after purity. You have to get ready. Sound the alarm! Wake up, Church! 

Aloha from Kona, Hawaii!

Wow . . . it's so hard to believe that only about a week and a half ago I was back home in the Emirates. This has been the longest week and a half ever.
More than ever I feel that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be and exactly where God has brought me. I love the wide and spacious place He has brought me into (Psalm 18)! I cannot help but proclaim the goodness of God over and over again as I sit here surrounded by such beauty: coconut trees swaying slightly in the breeze, fluffy off-white clouds hanging low in the sky, and a blue, blue sky.
This is the perfect place for God to romance your heart. You cannot help but fall more madly in love with the Creator after seeing the expressions of His creativity and beauty in the nature here. And that's exactly what's happening to me here: I'm falling more in love with Jesus every single day.

I struggle to put into words what all has happened so far. When I look at the person I was before I came here and the person I am now, I can confidently say that I am not the same person I was. God has already covered so much ground and given me freedom in so many areas and we're only two weeks into the three months that I'll be here! They say that these three months of teaching will be like seven years of church teaching. Talk about majorly compressed!
From the first day, everyone, including the leaders, knew that God was going to go to new places with this Fire & Fragrance school that previous schools had never gone before. Andy Byrd (who was teaching day 1 and the rest of the first week) got to the first point of his notes which was to ask for the spirit of wisdom and revelation from Ephesians when the Holy Spirit's agenda took over. We spent the next two hours or so crying, singing in the spirit, and contending for God to break in with His freedom specifically in areas of unbelief, shame, and self-hatred in our lives.
It was intense.
We realized that God had answered our prayers of asking for the spirit of wisdom and revelation right then and there. When that very Spirit comes in, everything that's not of God (like our shame, self-hatred, unbelief, etc.) squirms, disliking being exposed.
The rest of the week was focused on laying the right foundation: the foundation of the love of God. Our cracked and weak foundation of us trying and striving to love God rightly must be replaced with the foundation of His love for us. It's all about Him. Jesus needs to be put back in His rightful place in the gospel at the center of it all and we need to learn to simply receive that love which He has lavished on us. It's not about us loving Him, but it's about Him loving us. We love because He first loved us. God's love has wrecked me this week. He has given me fresh revelation on exactly how much He really loves me. Zephaniah 3:17 is something very special that I absolutely must share with you. It says this:      

The LORD your God is with you, 

   the Mighty Warrior who saves. 

He will take great delight in you; 

   in his love he will no longer rebuke you, 

   but will rejoice over you with singing.

Andy broke it down into something quite spectacular. The Hebrew words (or something like that) for "rejoice" and "singing" mean two completely different concepts than we'd usually think or associate with those two particular words. To rejoice means to spin around with wild emotion and to sing means to scream with a shrill voice at the top of your lungs. 

Picture God rejoicing and singing over you like that and I can guarantee that you will get so wrecked by His love. He's wild about you! He's crazy with emotion over you! His heart is RAVISHED by just one glance of your eyes. 

Jonathan David Helser, an incredible prophetic worship leader who's with us this week, has this song that puts it perfectly. It goes like this:

You are an endless ocean, a bottomless sea...

There's no end to the affection that you have for me

The ocean of His love for us is so vast, so limitless that we'll still be swimming in it for all of eternity and still we will not find any shore or any bottom. I'm letting that love come and change who I think I am. God is redefining the way that I look at myself. He is releasing me into the fullness of what it means to be a daughter of the King of Kings. He is giving my rightful authority because of how He has seated me in heavenly places. I am a co-heir with Christ! He is restoring my dignity and royalty. He is showing me who I really am. He is giving me freedom to walk that out.

I am my Beloved's. 

I am my Beloved's. 

I am my Beloved's.

It's who I am and who I will forever be. 

That's just a little taste of what God's been speaking over me this past week and a half. So much has happened, and yet I still want more. Who knows what these next weeks will hold? 

Thank you so much for running with me on this journey God is taking me on! May you be rocked by a fresh revelation of how much the Father loves you.